Toxic Positivity

Here is a rant that’s been a long time coming. I’m not against people living their lives positively, or looking at the world through a lense of positivity. What I’m against is people forcing that positivity on others. For example, people that think illnesses can be cured through the power of positive thinking. People that try to tell you you would feel better if you were happier or that you aren’t trying hard enough because illness and pain is mind over matter.

I hate it when people use their positivity to put others down. Other people have it worse than you. Other people suffer more. Oh you’re hungry? Well some people don’t get to eat for days at a time. Everyone’s suffering is valid even when other people have it worse.

Then we have the people that have wealth and fortune and have had opportunities not everyone can have. I have been poor for my entire life. I work full time and barely scrape by. I have a chronic illness. When I have people tell me I’m not focused enough on my dreams, or I clearly don’t want it enough if I’m not just doing it, I start to see red. I can barely make it through a day of work. Sometimes after work I need a cane to get from the couch to the bathroom. Sometimes I can barely stand long enough to take a shower.

To have people tell me I’m not trying hard enough, that it’s mind over matter, that I clearly don’t want it enough, that I need to push harder, that I need to meditate and do yoga, or lose weight, or do this and do that, or eat better, or take more vitamins, or to think more positively and I can achieve anything I want. That’s not how it works. Some people have to work their asses off when they are too sick to work. Some people have to work full time and barely survive. Some people get handed shit after shit. Some people don’t get the opportunity to improve their lives. Some people don’t have access to proper health care. Some people have mental illness and other illness that people don’t take seriously.

Some people get opportunity. Some people get to live their dreams, or drop everything to pursue them. To get told I have a choice when the choice is to focus on myself and what I want when that would mean I cant provide for my family. That is not a true choice. Some people can’t drop everything to pursue what they want. People can’t just think positively and make millions of dollars. Some people can’t work on achieving their goals and dreams because they are too busy trying to stay even remotely healthy, or to not have mental breakdowns, or to not have the weight of everything they have to deal with crush them.

Some people don’t get the chance to do more than just survive. Some people don’t even get to do that. When I hear people tell me or others that they can achieve anything they set their mind to? It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit and it’s cruel to rub things like that in people’s faces when they can barely hold themselves together. When the only strength they have left is to keep themselves standing.

When someone you love is suffering. When someone you care about is stretched thin, burned out, sick, fatigued, exhausted, barely hanging on. Don’t tell them to think positively. Don’t give them advice they can’t follow. Don’t tell them to calm down, meditate, do yoga, think about how other people have it worse. Tell them you care, tell them you’re there. Tell them you love them. Don’t tell them how to improve. Don’t tell them they aren’t trying hard enough. Everytime someone tells me that, or tells me it’s mind over matter, it crushes me. It hurts. It cuts deep. I exist with chronic illness. I have dreams I can’t achieve because I don’t have the energy or health or money to pursue them. That’s the way it is. I’m not going to delude myself into thinking that if I just smile more or “try harder” when I can barely stand, that I will achieve those dreams through positivity. I try what I can when I can. And if I can’t do it? Then at least I’m alive. At least I know I’ve tried, despite the world crushing me down over and over again. If you don’t have money, if you don’t have health, you can’t be expected to do more than those who have both. You can only do what you’re able to.

So for those of you suffering in any way shape or form. For those of you living your life and barely surviving. For those of you bearing the constant scrutiny and judgement of those around you, the forced positivity, being told you aren’t doing enough when you’re barely holding on, I’m sorry. I’m sorry the world isn’t more fair. I’m sorry we live in a world where not everyone gets to live the way they want. I’m sorry you have to suffer. I’m sorry and I see you.

GoFundMe: Attempting a Campaign

I haven’t been on my blog a lot lately, ’cause there has been a lot going on! Lost my job, and got a new one, even though its only part time right now. So due to necessity, I’ve started a gofundme campaign. Below is our story that I posted on the campaign. 🙂


Normally, I would never do anything like this, I feel there are a lot of people in the world that suffer, and I would hate to take this chance away from anyone, but in the last few months, our financial situation has gotten worse and worse. Recently, my husband was diagnosed with PTSD, Generalized anxiety disorder and Agoraphobia and hasn’t been able to work. He is going to do his best and try to find work anyway, but so far there hasn’t been any luck and we are waiting for him to be able to go on disability because he is still being sponsored for immigration and it is making the process incredibly difficult. I recently lost my job and I found a new job, but it is only part time right now and I am unable to find another job currently.

Due to dental bills, etc, we have accumulated almost $11,000 in debt, which only adds to the problem. We adopted a 7 year old cat from a very neglectful home and had to pay for vet bills, including two abscessed teeth as the previous owners had not taken him to the vet for over 6 years. We are already cutting out uneccessary things, including internet (my sister paid for one month, November), so we’ll just be down to the bare basics we need, however, I still won’t be making enough from my job to make it work with rent, etc. We are only going to be making rent this month by completely maxing out our credit cards. We basically just need help for the next two or so months until we can get everything sorted out. I hate having to ask for handouts, but any help would be appreciated.
Thank you very much for every bit of help, even just well wishes and prayers.


Unrelated – Art Stuffs

On a note unrelated to anything I usually write about, I started up drawing again. I’m not very good, but I enjoy it, so I care not. I created a DeviantArt page which can be found here:

I plan on doing more things I enjoy in the next while. That means more writing, reading, drawing and a wee bit of photography. Yes, apparently I enjoy everything. So there you have it! Enjoy!


Welcoming the Kindle Fire

I love books. I’ve always loved books. I also love e-books. I adore having copies of old books and copies of new books, but the overall convenience and simplicity of an e-book is fantastic. Not to mention, I have issues with my left hand and arm (tendinitis/nerve damage), so holding a Kindle is much easier. Anyway! I already have an older Kindle, but I kept seeing the Kindle Fire advertised. I finally splurged and I’m so glad I did. The screen is fantastic and now I can see all of the lovely book covers and illustrations in wonderful color. I really enjoy it. Not to mention I can watch Netflix on it while in bed. I know a lot of people are against e-books, but in the end, I want the story. I want to experience the words and the characters. Do I love actual books? Absolutely! But I see nothing wrong with e-books and will continue to be a happy purchaser of both physical books and e-books. The point is…the Kindle Fire is awesome.



Sabriel By: Garth Nix

I’ve always been a fan of Garth Nix and this book certainly didn’t disappoint. This was a fast paced fantasy with an extremely interesting world and story. I’ve got to say, though that my favorite part of this book was Sabriel. She was a strong female character. Her strength came from love, duty and from necessity. She was a character that never shied away from her challenges and always moved forward, despite the difficulties. This was a fantastic YA Fantasy novel and one I would highly recommend. There is plenty of action, a well fleshed out world and a cast of interesting characters and villains. If you love Garth Nix books or fantasy books in general, read this book!



Koray and the New 20 Gallon Fish Tank

Huzzah! So we just recently purchased a fish tank. After 2 weeks, we realized that the filter wasn’t very good and we wanted a bigger fish tank. So we ordered a 20 gallon. So far it is so awesome. Now we have four fish. Our Betta – Koray, and three Corydoras – Magnum, Blue Steel and Hansel. (Yes, we like Zoolander.) Anyway, it is so nice and relaxing to have fish and I’m loving it. We are probably going to get some Tetras in the next week or so as well.

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It is so difficult to get any decent pictures of this Betta. But he’s perdy.

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